and so I ask you...
WHAT IS KUNG FU?
Kung fu was first developed in post-historic China as a "self-defence dance". At that time, the country was fragmented and upwards of 300 people thought they were the emperor. The people found themselves too confused and too weak to repel the invading Mongols. They had invented gunpowder but had no idea what to do with it, and the builder's estimate on the Great Wall had been grossly optimistic. Rich and poor alike were being Mongoled daily and it wasn't pretty.
It was left to some monks to up and solve the problem, because China is defined simultaneously by its spirituality and its strict, lock-me-in-a-cage-and-hit-me-forever intolerance of it. These wise men mused upon the problem and eventually proposed a system they called Gong Fu - gong meaning "fast" and fu meaning "hurty". Any movement made by the trainee must be both gong and fu to qualify as Gong Fu, which in turn qualifies as kung fu, because that's the proper way to spell it. It worked like a dream. Today there is no need for it, but it looks awesome if done correctly, and so here we are.
FIRST THINGS FIRST!
Yes, whoa there! They don't just teach this stuff to any old body. The path of the Seasoned Kung Fu Master is a long one of sacrifice and commitment. You've seen Raging Bull where De Niro gets his wife to jerk him almost, but not completely off? He knew, as did they, that this kind of physical repression gives one strength. Not wanting to risk accidental satiation, though, the master-in-training will simply shave and wax his head and then not talk to anyone for a minimum of five years.
If the body is young, it will physically sweat, the teenager wanting to spoon his own eyes out rather than go one more minute without downy friction. This is acceptable - see Blind Fury (Rutger Hauer, 1989) .
If this is sounding like the opposite of awesome, well then read on because it's not getting better any time soon. You see, the mind of the trainee is now too pure, and he doesn't know anything. So now he must punch and kick trees and break furniture until he is once again insane. To aid this process, the teacher will beat him with sticks until he believes he is a dragon. Then a snake, then a monkey, then a tiger and finally a drunkard. The Seasoned Kung Fu master will draw on these experiences in combat.
Monkey style defeats tiger style! Or the other way round. Ask them.
THE TEST
Feeling confident? Give it around a decade and you will be able to take the test! When the "time" "comes" (when the emperor is sober enough), he will break your arms and legs and order you to climb a holy mountain with your tongue. There you will find a man. He will have a forked beard. He will lead you to a temple. There you must meditate and find that Zen state wherein the pain and torment and deprivation that has defined the bulk of your life becomes suddenly meaningless. You will feel cheated and angry. You will hallucinate five mythical beasts and know in your heart that they need a kicking. But be careful, because each must be dispatched in a different way!
The five beasts are:
1. CLIPPETY 'CLOPS
The equine Cyclops, strong as a bull and with as much malice as a monobrow can muster! Its weak point is of course the eye, and the Seasoned Kung Fu Master knows that the use of a strong poking action will be the deciding factor in this fight.
2. COD ALMIGHTY
The terror of the seas, conjuring many a storm and flood and commanding a fishy army of quite terrifying scope. Luckily, He has fat lips, meaning it will take Him several attempts to articulate His evil spells - giving the Seasoned Kung Fu Master valuable seconds to Chinese burn His face off!
3. THE CREATURE OF THE EVENING
With his super fashion sense and fruity demeanour, even the Seasoned Kung Fu Master has been known to "fall" for his "game". He will even put you in his debt by going shoe shopping with your girlfriend. But this is how he gets you - and soon will come the nasty. Best to take two paracetamol and break his neck.
4. SQUARE JAWED CLIVE
Ripped to buggery and with a head you could punch all day and just break your fingers on. This is because his brain is in his arse. Once you realise this, victory is quite simple (to wit: you need to punch him in the arse).
5. FISHTOPHER REEVE
Looks and acts like Superman but is, on closer inspection, a man-shaped bag of 50 or so fairground goldfish with a collective intelligence. Use your trusty Kung Fu brand slippers (or your super-long fingernails, if you're one of those ones) to poke a hole anywhere - but beware the roundhouse!
(When you have levelled-up high enough - many years from now - you can return and dispatch them wicked nasty by going to sleep at any time and selecting "Boss Battle" from the options menu. The horse one, for example, hates the electric fingers.)
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now a Kung Fu Master! But you are not yet seasoned... Looks like some bin men need a pasting! Go get 'em tiger!
