WE FOUND LOVE (JESUS) IN A HOPELESS PLACE (ON MYSPACE!)
(Some excerpts)
INTERESTS
General
I'm the undisputed checkers champion! 13 games unbeaten, and you can ask my dad if you don't believe me. I also like sneaking back to Earth and appearing in biscuits, teabags, mirrors - anywhere really. I've caused heart attacks!
Music
I don't really listen to music any more - partly because my mind is on a higher plane, but mostly because my dad once threatened me with a claw hammer.
Movies
Whatever my dad's into, really. I'm not allowed a TV in my room, not after last time. He often forces me to watch Van Damme movies and calls me a fairy.
TV
Ditto. But between you and me, I know my dad to be a big Celebrity Love Island fan. Judas said he once saw Him crying.
Heroes
Our Father, who art in heaven. I wrote that, y'know. I mean, it goes on and on and I'm pretty proud of it. Lazy people or stupid people plagiarise it daily - my dad says He's "sick of hearing that bloody song". Words were had, things were thrown. He says I'm one step short of a severe beating.
ABOUT ME
Hey gang! My name is Jesus, although up here in heaven I’m known as Michael. Answers on a postcard! Opinion is also divided as to the name of my father. Well, I alone know the truth - and the truth shall set you free! One day. Until then, I’m just biding my time around here - and having a whale of a time if truth be told.
I only came to Earth once, but it was long enough to make me a whole load of friends, all of whom I invited back to Heaven. There’s Barabus the goodly thief, Mary Magdelene (she owned a wishing well or something – she’s cool), and yes, even Judas! Word of his misdeeds spread like wildfire didn’t it! Mega! To be honest, I was a little annoyed at him myself. But we have a good laugh about it now – plus, as part of the agreement, he has to "polish my pole" every time I click my fingers. You have to keep these people in line, you really do.
But, I digress. I’m currently in talks with my father over a ‘second coming’ – Armageddon, if you will. It’s shaping up to be a pretty cool couple of days – we have fire and brimstone, no expense spared, plus (fingers crossed!) I won’t be tortured and killed this time. Hope to see you all there! In the meantime, I just love meeting new people, so please drop me a line. Salvation lies with me, my children – so leave me a message and we’re sound! Love Amen x x x
My secret pet, Chairman Meow!
WHO I'D LIKE TO MEET
Ye sheeplike ones, prepared upon His right hand. That's a metaphor: basically it means good people. Not that I'm that fussed (you should see some of the nobheads I invited back last time), but my dad's at the end of his tether. Last night for instance: "son, if that Barabus character leaves the bathroom light on once more I'll break his legs."
GOD ALMIGHTY
ABOUT ME
Hello my children! Now heed this: My sometime enemy Satan has been trying to round up followers for the past 4,000 years or something, and if he gets more "likes" than me, I have to give him all my powers. It's silly I know, but a bet's a bet and I swear I never knew the internet would be a thing. So now he's spreading lies and getting loads of followers and it's kind of getting out of hand. The time has come to put my foot down. I don't mean Armageddon, don't worry - I sent my son down back in the day to sort this out for me but instead he found a social life and then just mooched around before getting himself killed. The big fairy! So it's up to me, as sodding usual, to get the job done. By way of a delightful brochure!
COME TO HEAVEN! IT'S SUPERIOR TO HELL IN EVERY WAY!
They don't call it Heaven for nothing. Pacific peace: rolling white clouds pouring softly on and on; shafts of gold breaking dawn through swirling marble skies; warming soul in waves of glee; arms outstretched, soaring, twisting, diving; careless, boundless, free. Sound boring? You should check out the bar! If there's one thing we pride ourselves on here in Heaven, it's guest satisfaction. And this is what people misunderstand: they think Godliness is next to gloominess and that we all just drink Horlicks and play boring board games and sing boring songs about joy we don't feel because we're so fucking bored. I blame Jesus for this as well. Look, you can pretty much do whatever you want. Just be nice about it and you're golden!
The checking-in process takes only minutes. Our resident receptionist, the lovely Saint Peter, will check your every wish against our infinite database of fun. At 6pm is the welcome feast - a marathon culinary and visual extravaganza lasting days. All our animals are slaughtered just seconds after being created - ensuring the ultimate in freshness - before being prepared on the thigh of a giant teenage virgin, by a thousand Gordon Ramsays. Look, bulimia is OK with us - and it's just as well, because our heaving symphony of flavour has been known to induce orgasm!
After that, whatever you get up to for the rest of eternity is fine. I'm told there's nothing better than getting wankered on opium and rolling around in clouds. Remember: just be nice. True, we've had our troubles in the past, but consider this: since the beginning of time, only one person has ever been thrown out (and the stuff he was into just beggars belief). For those unsatisfied, we have Grand Blood Arenas with creatures custom-created for your killing pleasure. Bored teenagers will have a great time kicking geese to death, while genuine psychotics can vent their hate on stunning half-bull, half-shark monstrosities. There really is something for everyone!
So that's it, folks. Add me as a friend and come to Heaven. If it helps: Shakespeare isn't nearly as boring as you might think, and he has this trick he does with his armpit. It's a riot! And I can install a magic water slide that connects your bedroom to everywhere. If none of this "rings" your "bell", then get this: If I can get more followers than Satan, he has to wear a floral dress and send us the picture! That was the bet! Can you imagine!
Love and peace, my children.
INTERESTS
General
I'm not really that interested in anything.
Music
I like everything.
Movies
The Passion. (This was nothing next to the beasting I gave him the next day, believe you me. Lightning bolts? Yes please daddy!)
TV
I'm a bit of a sucker for the shopping channels. But I don't have a problem.
Heroes
Christopher Walken, because he rocked bells in that Fatboy Slim video.
