Chairman Cow's
FUNTIME FACT GENERATOR!
Doctor History presents: Lessons in History!
< Hello students! I am Doctor History, and I wear this costume because it's sexy. Truth be told, I'm not a doctor of anything because I used to go by the name of Doctor Procrastinate and spent my uni years smoking peyote and masturbating with dead frogs through a purpose-ripped hole in my jeans. But I sure do know a lot, and you can believe that or you can shove it. Learn from me now!
1790: The Battle of Waterloo
At Waterloo, Napoleon did surrender. Though what he was playing at in the first place is still something of a mystery. As the west's younger brother, no one expects much of France besides sitting in the shade and eating fine pastries. And that's the beauty of being the younger brother. (Also, hand-me-downs: we would have taught them how to make electricity just as soon as the novelty had worn off.) Napoleon saw things differently, and then he did surrender.
1810: The Opium War
The Opium War between England and China still remains the greatest thing ever! The first thing you need to understand is, until we were dicked over in World War II (but more on that later), the English were the absolute kings of the world. But we were also perfect gentlemen who liked nothing more than a lovely cup of tea. Every Sunday after church would find us doffing our hats in China, paying a fair day's wage for this most boring of drinks - until the Chinese, being the born businessmen they are, suddenly jacked up the price.
Rather than bomb their insolent asses outright (it was Sunday), we devised a brilliant little scheme to buy it on the black market in exchange for heroin. This had the bonus side effect of shutting down the entire fucking country, as within the decade, 9 out of 10 Chinamen were Cheeched out of their tree. The Chinese government declared a state of emergency and began seizing our drugs. We tried to blame it on India until they pointed out that we owned it (we fucking did, baby!), at which point we remembered that the whole point of this was the tea and just started bombing them.
With only around a hundred soldiers sober enough to even stand, the Chinese quickly surrendered. Then we made them give us lots of tea, and lots of money, and Hong Kong. But the lesson they had learned really was invaluable.
1938: World War II
The only really good thing about World War 2 is its simplicity. It's the classic Good VS Evil story, with no confusing arguments or secret agendas or political/economic fipsy. It was a clear antagonist. It was the Germans killing their own civilians in record numbers - literally, state-sanctioned murder with shocking efficiency - and it was down to the brave heroes of the West to up and stop them. Minus the USA. Correctly surmising that they could profit a lot from the deaths and financial ruin of their friends, they ignored the whole thing.
The war raged for 6 years - although "raged" may be the wrong word. See, we all had to be careful not to wake Russia. The unspoken truth was that any misgiving on Russia's part would have meant instant crushing for anyone. The loud guns and bombs were used mostly in the south, with the Russian border playing host to whispered arguments and rock-paper-scissors tournaments. Then one morning, in a moment born of blind optimism and stupidity, Hitler just balls-out attacked them. The Iron Fist awakened! Victory for the Forces of Good!
Or so we thought. The thing was, no one had told Japan, who had interpreted "World War" as some kind of free-for-all orgy of death and hastily built an air fleet to fire at someone. Deciding it was about time the Americans did something, they rained yellow on Pearl Harbor. Though initially annoyed, the Americans saw their big chance to show off their awesome new weapon - destroying Japan and, more importantly, allowing them to say they ended the entire war, and flaunt an unwarranted sense of pride that prevails to this day.
AFTERMATH:
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USA took Britain's place as "Masters of the World". No word yet on Russia.
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The square moustache look was ruined forever, to the chagrin of many a young gentleman.
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Restrictions were placed on Japan's package (read:army). And it was about Goddamn time: do a Google search for "Rape of Naking" - they just don't care. But their loss has been everyone's gain, as they instead poured all of their money and all of their crazy into some quite wonderful things. Hot cosplay girls! Nintendo! Hell, the whole video game thing was them. Thank you Japan, and thank God we live in this time.
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Germany was also punished into the ground, though when we became aware of the terrifyingly rapid rise of a billion hive-minded Chinese (with a possible unresolved grievance), we saw best to forgive and forget and try to work out just what the hell we will all do when the time comes.
