TOP FIVE JOLLY THINGS:
1. Roger
2. Green Giant
3. Scottish people having sex
4. Angelina
5. Beach resort and spa
TOP FIVE REASONS TO NOT BOTHER TRYING FOR A SIX-PACK THIS OR ANY OTHER YEAR:
1. It takes fucking forever.
2. You can't show it off to anyone without automatically becoming a cunt.
3. More than half the planet would consider you less attractive anyway, since they'd assume you were a farmhand.
4. You can't polish a turd.
5. Banoffee pie!
< TOP FOUR THINGS THAT GET RIGHT ON MY WICK:
1. Sunshine
2. Lollipops
3. Rainbows
4. Everything
EVEN MORE SUGGESTIONS FOR PAUL SIMON'S "50 WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER" (IN ADDITION TO THE FOUR OR SO HE ACTUALLY MENTIONS):
1. Stay in bed until she gets bored, my lord.
2. Make a pass at her sister, mister.
3. Twist things around to make it sound like it's her idea, King Lear.
4. Treat her in an increasingly offhand fashion over a course of months until she breaks down crying, then blame her for being too clingy and piss off, Kristoff.
5. Say you wish things could be different, and to emphasise the point, press her hand to your chest so she will mistake your rapid heartbeat for feelings of love rather than a simple fear that she will throw a fit and break your TV, Mr McGhee.
< Hello students! I am Doctor Procrastinate, here to help with my university-refined flair for time wasting! I am Daddy Time-Waste! Now - your essay is due at 9am and the sun isn't even up yet. People like us, we work best under pressure and this just isn't enough! I myself have a young girl in a diabetic coma - but she's good for a while and we're not helping anyone by trying to force it. It has to feel right. Until then, I am on hand with...
DOCTOR PROCRASTINATE'S TOP FIVE (EIGHT) PROCRASTINATION METHODS:
1. Phone your grandma.
2. Smoke a lovely fag.
3. Roll the biggest joint you can (you can just use tobacco if you like, whatever). It must be able to rest in one hand without breaking. Give it a name.
4. Check to see if there is a Karl Kennedy fan site. Consider making one.
5. Try out some wrestling moves on an unsuspecting pet.
6. Clean the shared kitchen to military-standard sparkliness. This should take at least the entire day and may require Google's help. Wake your housemates and boast.
7. Paint detailed faces on your toes and re-enact the Last Supper, using additional fingers where appropriate.
8. Try to wear every item of clothing you own at once. Take photos of every stage and make it a Flash presentation and think of a Gabba track to accompany it and put it on YouTube and submit it to Ebaumsworld and write a blog about it because hey why the fucking hell not. You're living! You're the BEST!
TOP FIVE NAMES TO GIVE YOUR CHAMPION SPLIFF:
1. The Kidderminster Cornet
2. The Karl Kennedy
3. Christ's Fat Cock
4. One Love Rocket
5. Reverend Blowhard '58
TOP FIVE PUERILE SONG TITLES:
1. My Fart Will Go On
2. Fartfinger
3. When a Man Loves a Fart
4. The Bitterest Fart (I Ever Had to Swallow)
5. I Left My Fart in San Francisco
